DISCERNMENT
COUNSELING
For marriages in crisis
Conflicted about whether to repair your marriage or proceed to divorce?
Feeling desperate to save your marriage?
Unsure whether couple therapy could still help?
Discernment counseling is designed for marriages on the brink of divorce—where one spouse is seriously considering divorce or separation, while the spouse wants to try to save the marriage.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured process that helps you gain clarity and confidence about the direction of your marriage. Unlike traditional couple therapy, the goal is not to repair the relationship or work on ongoing problems.
Instead, Discernment Counseling is to help you gain clarity and confidence about the direction of your marriage, based on a deeper understanding of what's happened to your marriage and each person's contributions to the problems.
The goal is not to solve the marriage problems but to help you decide whether to try to solve your problems. It’s not about immediate change in your relationship but seeing if change is possible.
Three Possible Paths in Discernment Counseling
In Discernment Counseling, the goal is to help each partner choose one of three paths. The power of Discernment Counseling lies in focusing on personal agency and the future, rather than trying to change the past. The three paths operationalize this focus, helping both partners understand their options and the potential for change in the present and future.
Path One:
Stay Where You Are
Continue the marriage as it is for now, without pursuing divorce, separation or making a commitment to couple therapy.
Path Two:
Divorce/Separation
The decision to move forward with separation or divorce with greater clarity and insight into your contributions to relationship patterns as not to repeat in future relationships.
Path Three:
Repair Attempt
The decision to commit to working on the marriage for six months in couple therapy, with clear insights and agendas for change. Divorce is temporarily off the table.
The Role of the Discernment Counselor.
A Discernment Counselor is not a coach, judge, mediator, or advocate for staying together or divorcing. This process is not used to prove who is right or wrong, assign blame, or help one spouse convince the other to stay or leave.
The role of the Discernment Counselor is to help each spouse gain clarity of what happened in the marriage and each person’s contribution to the current negative interactions and patterns.
Discernment Counseling vs. Couple Therapy
Discernment counseling is not a form of couples therapy. It is a separate process designed for couples who are not yet in agreement about whether to work on the marriage. The chart below highlights the key differences between the two.
Discernment Counseling:
Goal is to gain confidence about a path forward.
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Identifies relational patterns, insights and personal contributions to gain greater clarity.
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Short-term. Limited to five sessions.
———
Commitment is made one session at a time to discern a path.
———
No homework or relationship effort between sessions.
Couple Therapy:
Goal is to repair and improve the relationship.
———
Works directly on those patterns and contributions to improve the relationship.
———
Ongoing, often requiring several months or longer.
———
Both partners commit to an ongoing therapeutic process and work.
———
Requires effort, energy and work between sessions.
Is Discernment Counseling Right for You?
Discernment counseling is designed for couples with a mixed agenda—one spouse is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to preserve the marriage. Couples have either been through multiple rounds of couple therapy or never tried couple therapy before.
You do not need to agree about the future of your marriage to begin. Both spouses need to be willing to participate in the discernment process one session at a time to take an honest look at relational patterns and each person’s role in the interactions.
The leaning-out spouse may:
- Feel desperate to leave, but guilty about leaving.
- Question whether their partner is capable of making lasting changes.
- Fearful to commit to another attempt at couple therapy and repair.
- Recognize that ending a marriage is a significant decision that has impacts.
- Feel angry and resentful with unsuccessful attempts to solve marital problems.
The leaning-in spouse may:
- Feel desperate to save the marriage and is scared or anxious.
- Has hope for the relationship and believes change is possible.
- Is more open to see own contributions without taking on all the blame.
- Feel angry and powerless that they have no control of what their spouse decides.
- Still want to fight for the marriage even when it feels one-sided or unfair.
Discernment Counseling Structure and Fees
Discernment counseling is an intensive, structured process with a clear objective for each session. The process does not exceed five sessions. With each session, both spouses gain greater insight into their relational patterns and their own contributions, building the clarity needed to make choose a path about the future of the marriage.
Phone Screening
A 20-minute phone or video meeting with each spouse individually to determine whether Discernment Counseling is an appropriate fit.
Fee: $50 per meeting
Initial Session
A 110-minute session that includes time together and individually to understand how the marriage reached this point and begin identifying the relational dynamics contributing to the current struggles.
Fee: $500
Middle Sessions
Up to three 90-minute sessions that include time together and individually to deepen clarity, identify each person’s contributions to relational patterns, and explore what would need to change.
Fee: $350 per session
Transition Session
A 90-minute session to bring the discernment process to a close, state what has been learned, and clarify the path each person has chosen.
Fee: $350
Gain clarity about whether to repair your marriage or move toward divorce.
Gray divorce is the term used for divorce among adults age 50 and older. Adults aged 50 and older account for nearly 40% of all U.S. divorces, a sharp increase from just 8% in 1990.
For people ages 65 and older, the divorce rate was 15% in 2022, about triple of such rates in the 1990s for the same age set. And researchers predict "gray divorces" will triple by 2030 in the U.S.
Extended lifespans mean decades of life remain after children leave the home ("empty nest syndrome"), prompting midlife reevaluations of personal identity and happiness.
Women initiate the majority of gray divorces, aided by increased financial independence, career viability, and changing cultural views on fulfillment.
What does this mean for you?
It’s never too late for insight and change. Before choosing the path of divorce, consider Discernment Counseling for greater clarity and confidence when making what may be one of the most important decisions of your life.
Couples over 50:
The Trend of Gray Divorce.
FAQs about Discernment Counseling
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No. Discernment Counseling is not billed to insurance. Because the focus is on making a decision about the future of the marriage rather than providing therapy, insurance is not used.
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No. Discernment Counseling is designed only for mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is seriously considering divorce and the other wants to preserve the marriage.
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If one partner has made a clear decision to divorce, Discernment Counseling in not a fit because a path has already been chosen.
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Yes. Infidelity is often a reason a marriage reaches a crisis point. Discernment Counseling helps both partners gain clarity about whether they are willing to work on their interaction patterns and each person’s role in the relationship.
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It is common for the partner considering divorce to be hesitant about participating. Discernment Counseling is different because they are not being asked to commit to repairing the marriage—only to participate in a process if the decision to divorce has not been made.
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No. Marriage is not a requirement. However, it is required that the couple has made a commitment and promises to one another in some form and that the relationship is acknowledged by other.
Nicole Tomassini,
Trained Discernment Counselor
Nicole brings nearly two decades of experience working with couples, especially those relationships reaching a crisis point. She is specifically trained in Discernment Counseling through the Doherty Relationship Institute, where this structured approach for couples on the brink was developed.